Ask Paxton: What should I do with my hair?
Ok, so I have yet to receive a single question to answer in my new Q&A feature. This poses a problem, if there are no questions I can give no answers. So I have decided to ask myself a question in hopes that things might pick up a notch. With that I present to you the first installment of ‘Ask Paxton’.
Dear Paxton, my hair is kind of boring. Of all the possible hairstyles available to me as a citizen of the US, I can’t decide on the one that will make me feel whole. What should I do with my hair so that I can truly experience the American dream and bang strippers?
Sincerely,
Make Believe Answer Seeker
Dear Make Believe Answer Seeker,
I am familiar with approximately 87% of all known hairstyles so you have come to the right place. First off lets go through the styles of hair you should avoid.
1. The comb over. Don’t do that, the reasons should be obvious.
2. Also try to avoid any Emo hairstyles as your hair should not have its own emotion. Hair that looks sad will surely make those around you sad. Strippers hate being sad.
3. Any form of mowhawk should be avoided. The more old school native American hawk also popular with SoCal punk kids is retarded and does not make you look tough. It only makes you look like an anti-social boob; Strippers like coke and dancing, neither of which are traits common with anti-social boobs.
The more modern metro sexual mowhawk is also silly as it is just an offshoot of that thing Ferris Bueller did with his hair in the shower soliloquy of the movie of the same name and we all know biting the style of a movie character is blatantly wack.
That leaves us with only one option for your hair.
The Ring Head.
I have known only one man who has sported the ring head and survived to tell the tale, but since I can’t seem to find a photo I will describe it too you and then illustrate it in MS paint(the choice of design professionals). The ring head is accomplished by shaving both the front of the head and the rear, while leaving the middle region intact, as well as shaving your face except for a one inch strip that connects the side burns. The resulting hair cut resembles this:
This hairstyle, Make Believe Answer Seeker, will have you banging strippers in no time. Good Luck with your new doo.
Sincerely,
Paxton
See folks, wasn’t that easy? Next time maybe we can do it with a real person.
*UPDATE*
While I stand by my earlier claim that the ring head is the most bad ass of all known hair styles. I have since received word that the man earlier referred to as ‘the only person to sport the ring and survive’, has now developed a new hair style which may offer stiff competition to the ring.
Witness if you will:
‘The HandleBarRoom Brawl’ as worn by Mr. Lun-Bot-5
Comments
12 Responses to “Ask Paxton: What should I do with my hair?”
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oh thats a startlingly handsome method of dome dressing.
this man will man handle anybody, for an exorbidant fee.
Dear Paxton
I feel it incumbent upon me to point out that the above illustrated gentleman is not, as you insinuate, some kind of brawling machissmo. In fact, I made this very mistake myself just last week when I was out looking for a bit of rough, as is my wont after my classics one-on-one. To my surprise, but not inconsiderable pleasure, said male transpired to be an absoloute petal, a mere rosebud, a dewdrop of delight, a dream made manifest, more than any Belinda could believe. The only slightly alarming moment was when he requested that I stroke his dome.
Please advise how I can contact Make Believe Answer Seeker as it sounds like his dome needs some stroking too.
Smythe-Crumpy
Dear Ms. Smythe-Crumpy,
It is the policy of RadioBall.net to not release the names and/or personal information of our users; this is to protect you Ms. Smythe-Crumpy. I will therefore be unable to put you in contact with Mr. Make Believe Answer Seeker. Thank you contacting us, sharing your story and please feel free to ask a question we may be answer in the future.
I want to shave Niko’s back.
Who doesn’t spork, get in line
whats wrong with emo haircuts? u got ne pics u wana send me of emo girl cuts? plz im desprate !! xxx
i want someone to send me emo GIRL haircut pics….i need some new ideas and i have hair a little past my shoulders, i dont wanna go too short but pleasse some one send me a freaking pic.
Your stupid. Combovers are hot if they have emo-longish hair.And mohawks.. well it’s their choice to do it so don’t critisize it.
Hey, don’t insult the punk’s mohawk. The nicest cut around. The taller, the better.
no doubt Andy, but not on suburban 12 year olds trying to be rebellious with their parents permission.
Emo cuts are indeed wack wack wack. The same with the mohawk, or any other “punk rock” look. This is because punks, much like “greasers” and “flappers”, do not exist any more. Just because you buy the costume doesn’t men you’re a “punk”. Kind of like if I bought a tricorn hat and a musket it wouldn’t mean I was a minuteman, just a dooshbag who dressed like one.
That being said I’m diggin the fauxhawk. I have a semit fauxhawk right now and am moving to the full on next haircut.
Hey i`ve got long hair
and i want a new emo haircut,,
Can somewone send me some emo haircuts?*i`m a girl*
*long Hair*