Ask Paxton: What should I do with my hair?
Ok, so I have yet to receive a single question to answer in my new Q&A feature. This poses a problem, if there are no questions I can give no answers. So I have decided to ask myself a question in hopes that things might pick up a notch. With that I present to you the first installment of ‘Ask Paxton’.
Dear Paxton, my hair is kind of boring. Of all the possible hairstyles available to me as a citizen of the US, I can’t decide on the one that will make me feel whole. What should I do with my hair so that I can truly experience the American dream and bang strippers?
Sincerely,
Make Believe Answer Seeker
Dear Make Believe Answer Seeker,
I am familiar with approximately 87% of all known hairstyles so you have come to the right place. First off lets go through the styles of hair you should avoid.
1. The comb over. Don’t do that, the reasons should be obvious.
2. Also try to avoid any Emo hairstyles as your hair should not have its own emotion. Hair that looks sad will surely make those around you sad. Strippers hate being sad.
3. Any form of mowhawk should be avoided. The more old school native American hawk also popular with SoCal punk kids is retarded and does not make you look tough. It only makes you look like an anti-social boob; Strippers like coke and dancing, neither of which are traits common with anti-social boobs.
The more modern metro sexual mowhawk is also silly as it is just an offshoot of that thing Ferris Bueller did with his hair in the shower soliloquy of the movie of the same name and we all know biting the style of a movie character is blatantly wack.
That leaves us with only one option for your hair.
The Ring Head.
I have known only one man who has sported the ring head and survived to tell the tale, but since I can’t seem to find a photo I will describe it too you and then illustrate it in MS paint(the choice of design professionals). The ring head is accomplished by shaving both the front of the head and the rear, while leaving the middle region intact, as well as shaving your face except for a one inch strip that connects the side burns. The resulting hair cut resembles this:
This hairstyle, Make Believe Answer Seeker, will have you banging strippers in no time. Good Luck with your new doo.
Sincerely,
Paxton
See folks, wasn’t that easy? Next time maybe we can do it with a real person.
*UPDATE*
While I stand by my earlier claim that the ring head is the most bad ass of all known hair styles. I have since received word that the man earlier referred to as ‘the only person to sport the ring and survive’, has now developed a new hair style which may offer stiff competition to the ring.
Witness if you will:
‘The HandleBarRoom Brawl’ as worn by Mr. Lun-Bot-5
