City pools to get the deep six
I have such fond memories of summers spent in the Bennett Field pool, wallowing in the urine of my fellow Worcesterites; summers to which I credit my incredible immune system. Now, sadly, for today’s youth the ol’ swimming toilets may be running dry. Details are slim, but today’s T&G has the story of the cities plan to shutter the city pools and replace them with “spray parks”. I can’t be the only one trudging through their first cup of coffee, working with an image of Gary Rosen, in his swimming trunks and a big floppy hat, spraying down crying kids with a 100 foot hose in the parking lot of the new Wal-Mart while their parents shop for mini-blinds.
Now I know everyone is going to be up in arms over pool closings; THINK OF THE CHILDREN! But lets be honest, they really are not fun. Public baths in an urban area are an epidemiological disaster in the making. They should have been closed and leased out as skate parks 15 years ago. In the meantime, instead of building what are described in the article as “vertical fire hydrants”, why not just go back to the good old days and open the damn hydrants? It’ll be like a water park on every street corner, we’ll just cap them with a Mr. Wiggles sprinkler head and call it a day.
As for the absurd, yet obligatory, money quotes which by local ordinance must accompany any T&G story involving children; we have this one from Councilor At-Large Dennis L. Irish:
“If we cut those summer youth and recreational activities, we’ll see an accompanying increase in crime and violence whose cost is far greater,”
Right, because when children wake up on a sweltering August day, their only options in life are doing the breast stroke in a public toilet, or grabbing a gun and murdering some bitch. Amazing how otherwise wonderful folks can simplify the world with such foolish thought processes. Following this logic, all Iraq needs now is a Ministry of Aquatic Recreation and our soldiers can come home leaving a few Naval Officers behind to act as lifeguards. Must be an election year.
Money quote number two comes courtesy of the Commander from the 1st Worcester Batshitinsaine Brigade, our booze hating buddy, parks commissioner Gary J. Vecchio:
“Not opening the pools and beaches cannot be allowed to happen,”
Hmmmm, I wonder what we could do to fund the pools and beaches, Gary. Let me think. What goes perfectly with water and sun, in the summer? Is there maybe a product we could sell? Something that could maybe make the pools and beaches profitable and more inviting at the same time?
I wonder…
ADULT SWIM!
Kids, outta the pool!
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2 Responses to “City pools to get the deep six”
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Nice work. I had a nice time reading it.
Nice times.
only way i am going to bennett again is if your mom is their to save BIG Head. Again.